Asking Eric: In-law’s demands test family patience

Dear Eric I would like to get along better with my niece s wife and I m hoping you might offer particular strategies The wife s a nice person but she s high maintenance in approaches that make whatever group she s in bend to keep her confident The boat tour has to go a certain speed so she doesn t get queasy She has to drive whatever car she s in even if she doesn t know the roads and isn t a good driver I don t have an issue with her doing what she demands to take care of herself but whatever it is often impacts the entire group and leaves us all flailing around to meet her requests I in the last few days read about emotional hostage-taking and I wondered if that might be at play My once-adventurous niece no longer takes adventures because of her wife During rare family reunions that my niece is enjoying her wife will get a sudden stomachache and there goes my niece to lay down with her in a quiet room I m not asking for advice about their relationship but for mine with the wife Any time we re together I have less patience I don t want to be a person who has little tolerance for kids these days and their numerous special requests I m just not sure how not to be annoyed by them Wanna Do Better Dear Better There may be more to it but it sounds like several of the events when your patience is tested are family social outings So you might take a book from your niece s wife and start to think in advance about what you ll need to enjoy yourself preponderance the next time you re all together This isn t an attempt to put this all on you And I m sure there s particular things you can t avoid It s impractical to say charter another boat But perhaps you can ride in a different car Knowing how your niece s wife might react to certain situations and how you hope those situations will go can empower you to speak up for what you need as well Part of this I m sure is rooted in concern for your niece It s hard to enjoy ourselves when we see our loved ones suffer This may be how she feels when she sees her wife ailing as well So without dipping too far into armchair psychology you can also talk to her about what you re observing and listen to what she says Ask if there are solutions that the family can help backing her and her wife and see if she s open to brainstorming means that everyone can have a good time A conversation might not solve everything but it can open the door to creative solutions and help you feel acceptance instead of annoyance Dear Eric My oldest sister passed away in the past few days after a lengthy illness My husband s first cousins have responded with calls cards and messages except for one of his cousins We attended the funeral of this cousin s mother last year in another city sent flowers and my husband spoke at the organization I have yet to receive any acknowledgment from this cousin even though she and her husband are aware of the death I am hurt and bewildered since they were at our home only a limited months ago and they speak to my husband weekly I have not mentioned this to my husband as he and his cousin are close She and her husband are retired and seem to do a lot of entertaining so I don t think they are too busy to call or send a card I perpetually inferred that as soon as someone heard about a passing it was appropriate to reach out to the person grieving It has been only about days since my sister s death Am I being unreasonable Related Articles Asking Eric Professor inquired to eulogize complex former colleague Asking Eric Fianc s freeloading daughters are blocking marriage Asking Eric Coworker s outfits create conversation but HR won t help Asking Eric Friend refuses to get healthcare care despite scary reactions Asking Eric Infidelity makes wedding weekend an awkward affair Unacknowledged Dear Unacknowledged Here s several truths grief manifests itself in all kinds of insidious avenues Even though your sister s illness was lengthy this part of grief is new and a lot of hard things are going to come up I m not judging you for the way you feel and I hope you won t either Another truth when we experience loss it s crucial for those who care about us to reach out That didn t happen in the episode of your husband s cousin and it hurts I m sorry for your loss and that you re experiencing this hurt Talk to your husband about how you re feeling I hope he ll listen without judgment too He can be an intermediary nudging his cousin to make sure you know they care Sometimes people don t know what to say Sometimes they fear they ve missed the chance Your husband can remind them of these additional truths it s never too late and sometimes it can be enough to say I m sorry I m here I love you Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com